"For 20 years, my husband and I have done everything we can to help our daughter grow in her life. She is now 26. We have spent thousands of dollars, read hundreds of books, seen multiple counselors, had endless meetings and tried countless things throughout her life to help her to have a prosperous life.

With her high school graduation, we lost many of our resources and she lost most of her contact with others. We have tried to encourage her to develop relationships with those in our church and through volunteer work, but her interest is inconsistent. We remodeled a part of our home into a studio apartment for her, hoping to help her develop independent living skills and she was making progress.

Two years ago, however, she had a life threatening illness and all the progress toward independence seemed to vanish when she was so ill. She had to be dependent on us in the year she was sick. (It turned out she had Crohn’s Disease.) She’s been well for about a year now, but seemed to be stuck. She wasn’t taking care of herself or her environment. Her hygiene was poor, she laid around all day watching TV, she put on a lot of weight, and her living conditions were a mess. Her dad and I were becoming frustrated and hopeless. Nothing seemed to work to help our situation.

Then AE came into our lives.

I saw an ad for Aspergers Experts on Facebook and thought ~ yeah right! (sarcasm) I clicked on it anyway even though I was skeptical. After all our “experts” this was probably just more of the same. I was wrong.

From the beginning of the videos, I could feel my excitement growing. Here are people who are telling me how Kaitlin thinks, how to communicate, how to see below the surface of the situation. I could see her in you. You break things down so it’s perfectly clear. Plus, your videos are fun to watch ~ you guys have a great sense of humor.

I started watching your videos like they were life support ~ which they are. I tried things you suggested and they worked! Understanding that her anger comes from her rules has been life changing. It’s opened up conversations as she tries to identify her rules. I’m learning so much about her now and she’s learning a lot about herself. We’re making progress. I have hope again.

The best part about it is that she is excited also. She identifies with you. She’s even spent some of her own money for a camera for her computer so she can skype with you at some point. She has questions she’d like to ask. She is currently babysitting a boy with Aspergers and she’s also learning how to better help him.

You came into our lives unexpectedly and have made such a difference in a short time. I am so grateful for this blessing.

Thank you Thank you Thank you!" - Cheryl Allen

I didn't even realize Defense Mode existed until I read an article on AE about it. That was about four or five years ago,when we were trying to help Harley's oldest daughter Sophie who, at the time, was 27.

Then, when Harley's son Avery came to live with us, I could see that he was very shut down. My personal experience with Defense Mode is that I didn't even realize I was in it. I think that's probably the case with a lot of people. It's not until you start learning about it and are able to even have a fair bit of self reflection that you realize you're in it, and then you need to work on it yourself.

To help myself get out of Defense Mode, I've been focusing on engaging in Somatic Therapy. I started with doing some work with Holly Bridges on my vagus nerve and that really helped. But Holly felt that probably my past trauma was so severe that I needed help from a somatic therapist.

So then I contacted Eva Angvert-Harren, and I've been working with Eva for about 12 months now. I think that's really changed my life and allowed me to, well, get rid of my PTSD, basically, which sounds an extreme thing to say. But that is what she's done.

Now that I know what it feels like to be out of Defnese Mode, It's fantastic. But it's also been interesting, because now I have to work out who I am again, which sounds a bit severe when I say it like that. Before, I was living with all these restrictions to make sure my life didn't spiral out of control. Now I can take the restrictions away, and my life's not spiraling out of control.

So I have to ask myself, "What do I do with all that extra emotion that I now have, and all that extra calm, and all the extra time, and all the extra energy?"

Because what you don't realize is, when you're in Defense Mode, it takes so much emotional and physical energy. When you're out of Defense Mode, you realize how much more emotional energy and normal energy you have to do other things.

So then you go, "Right, what am I going to do with my day now, because I have so much more time and energy?"

So that's been a really interesting journey to be on to work out, OK, so who am I now? And what do I want to do with my life?

"I think the bigger issue was that it took me a while to understand that they didn't have the tools, the resources, or the understanding to truly help. They were working on an old and outdated behavioral model that really wasn't about my child's behavior. For them they thought it was about her behavior. But in the end, through Asperger Experts, I learned it wasn't the behavior that was the problem. It was what was triggering the behavior.

I feel like, if somebody would have knocked on my head, hit me in the head with a brick, and said, "Listen up, we are missing the point!", then that would have been great, so I am trying to do that now with the reader. I find other people with kids who are struggling and trying to get the help they need and they get frustrated, and say "My kid spends all their time playing video games.", or "My kid refuses to do X, Y, or Z", or "My kid has a meltdown over this.", or "I'm worried that my kid isn't socializing enough."

They're looking at the behavior. They don't realize it, but they're looking at the behavior, and then their anxiety starts to amp up. And now they are worried about their kid's behavior and then they start to panic, and they start making demands of their child that the child just is simply not capable of fulfilling, because of the underlying problem of the parent being in Defense Mode.

A great example of this, for instance, is that right now I'm trying to learn how to speak French, that way I can speak it with a few friends who are already fluent. They try to talk to me in French, and what happens? I immediately panic, and I can't remember even how to say, "Hello, how are you?" All of the sudden, it's gone. So that's an oversimplified version of what's going on with a kid who is shut down, or melting down, or refusing to do what they're being asked to do.

I've had to explain this to family members and friends who say, "Why don't you make her do it? Just take away the internet, or just take her devices away, or refuse to let her do X, Y, or Z?" They don't understand. That would work if she felt safe and secure and grounded, but she doesn't, and even then, I don't know if that's the best way to handle it. It's a great way to destroy relationships.

To put it in the most extreme example, I saw a news article recently that said the FDA has banned shock therapy in schools. Obviously, that's horrific but there were some parents that were angry because it worked and provided treatment. I'm thinking to myself, "Of course it would work!" If you have a kid who's freaked out and you say, "Do what I say or I'm going to give you a painful electric shock", then they're going to do what you say. It worked in the sense of it got you the result that you want, but you aren't looking at the bigger picture to see that it destroyed any sense of them having any trust in humanity ever again.

So when you're looking at a kid and you're saying, "Well, he's just refusing. He's being manipulative, or he's being whatever." remember: it's for a reason. They don't feel safe. They don't feel grounded. They don't feel secure.