Defense Mode: Why They Seem So Stuck & Shutdown All The Time

When you're in Defense Mode, everything is harder because you're constantly trying to protect yourself from the overwhelming stress of both real and imagined threats that constantly surround you.

Is It A Motivation Or Capability Issue?

Many people believe that if someone doesn’t appear to be motivated, it’s because they don’t want it. People hardly ever look deeper to find that someone actually does want something, they just don’t have the capacity and capability.

Having Accountability Conversations: The XYZ Method

Allow me to provide you with a simple but powerful script that you can use as a template for having uncomfortable conversations when you need to hold boundaries... without walking on eggshells.

On Bed Time Arguments & Assuming You're Right

Mom assumed that Sarah’s sluggishness in the morning was caused by lack of sleep, but did we actually know that was the cause? Sarah insisted that she wanted to stay up reading an additional thirty minutes and that she could still wake up on time.

When To Tell Them: Should I Talk To My Child About Their Autism/Asperger's Diagnosis?

Whether the child is 4 or 44, parents all want to know: “Should I talk to my son/daughter about their diagnosis? If so, how? When? What if they’re already turned off or too angry about the “label”?

Demonstrations VS Declarations: How To Know If You Are An Effective Parent

It's one thing to constantly declare that you can be trusted, you should be respected, or you are an authority. It's another thing entirely to demonstrate through action that you can be trusted, you are respectable and you are knowledgeable.

The Most Effective Way To Motivate Someone On The Autistic Spectrum

With the Red-Line approach, each new attempt to motivate will produce fewer results, and, in the long-term, will continually require a sweeter carrot or a scarier stick in order to maintain its original effectiveness. There's a better way.

School Accommodations & The Alphabet Soup of Assistance

After they stuck my son in a tiny instrument closet for refusing to write (even though he has dysgraphia), I learned that there was a legal process to follow to get him the accommodations he needed. Here's what I learned.

How Emotional and Somatic Balancing Techniques Helped My Autism

Throughout my life I have not been able to relate to people on a level where I feel connected, understood, or accepted, and even more painful . . . in a way I feel loved. There was always a missing piece, a sense of being different, excluded, isolated, and just not part of.

You Aren't A Bad Parent. Here's How We Know.

The so called “bad parents” aren’t the ones reading about Asperger’s advice & help, and aren’t the ones that are seeking to get better.

Moving Out: What To Do When You Don't Know How To Get Started

When your child is of moving out age and you’ve tried everything you know to light a fire under them and get them motivated.. and nothing seems to work, make sure your actions are informed by these 2 guidelines.

Force Doesn't Work Here

It's important to remember that folks on the spectrum are usually REALLY overwhelmed already, and so the best thing you can do is make them less stressed, not more.

Stress: It's Only Bad If You Think It Is

If you choose to believe that stress is not bad for you, but rather is just your body kicking into high gear so it can rise to the challenge at hand then you may start to notice that all those adverse side effects you’ve been experiencing from stress just start to evaporate.

My Anxiety As A Parent Prevented Me From Seeing This

My name is Sarah, I have a 23 year old and a 15 year old. My 15 year old was diagnosed with ASD and in the beginning, we were pretty desperate. It got really bad. We're talking about near-hospitalization, therapeutic schools, lots of trauma. Day to day life was just nearly impossible.

Why Rewards & Punishment Don't Work

I am prompted to expound on this topic because I am frequently in frustrating positions trying to explain to others why their well intentioned suggestions of a rewards and punishments model will not work with my neuro atypical daughter.

He Only Cares About Being On His Computer And Almost Never Leaves His Room. Help!

We have been trying for months to talk to my son with Asperger’s (age 17). He has NO interest in learning basic social skills, getting a job, doing his homework, practicing basic hygiene, eating healthier… the list goes on.

Are The Holidays Something You Dread?

Before I understood what Asperger’s/Autism was, I took my daughters behavior personally. I thought Lillian’s refusal to go to Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma & Grandpa’s was a direct defiant behavior. When she had a meltdown, I thought she was trying to make the day about her and get her way to make us go home.

Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First

Before you know it you've gone into Defense Mode right along with your child and now despite your best intentions, you find yourself yelling all those angry and hurtful things you promised yourself you would never say.

The Biological Basis For Defense Mode (Understanding The Vagus Nerve)

If you have low vagal tone chances are excellent that you get stressed out more easily. You probably tend to feel more anxiety, and in general, it’s just harder for you to regulate and deal with negative emotions.

What It Feels Like To Be In Defense Mode

In Defense Mode, I often felt the need to control and keep everything exactly as it was because I was so overwhelmed that anything new just added to the overwhelm and shut me down even further.

Spoon Theory & Capacity Issues

“Spoons” is a metaphor, a code word, to describe and measure how much physical and emotional capacity each of us has to get through the day.

Why Won't They Just Listen?! - The 3 Essentials of Communication

Obviously when you said “clean your room” you and your son both had very different definitions of what that phrase meant. This difference in definitions, assigned meanings, and understandings is one of the most common sources of conflict we see every day.

4 Steps To Building Trust With Your Autistic Spectrum Child

For an interaction to be trust-building, it must have all four of these characteristics. If all four are present, then it's only a matter of time before you succeed in building trust. On the other hand, if even one of these four pillars is missing, then it won't work.

Sometimes You Need To Connect The Dots For Them

When you are talking to people with Asperger's, they might not have already connected the dots between A and B. Be explicit. Lay it out. Help them connect the dots and don't assume they already can.

Celebrating Differently With Danny

Raising a son with Asperger's, we often had to celebrate in a different way. Here are three examples...

Teenage Girls & Late Diagnosis

In high school, Sophia would have these bouts of meltdowns. Normally she would get out of them, but one in particular, she was 15, and she was in her bed acting like a two year old. Literally, not just figuratively, pulling the covers over her head, not talking.

My Parents Tried Everything: I Was A Nightmare Child

"You're still having meltdowns every day. Your siblings are terrified. You're failing most of your classes at school. I'm sorry. At this point we're out of options. So here's the deal. You can't live here anymore."

Belief, Enabling & An Electric Wheelchair

Mom’s intentions were good and noble, but she was inadvertently crippling her son by doing everything for him.

How To Motivate By Adding Direction

As Dr. Stephen Covey, the author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People says “You can’t hold someone accountable for results if you supervise their methods.”

Co-Dependency & The Rope

It's one thing to support someone who is struggling with some very real capability blocks and challenges. It's quite another thing to continue carrying the heavy burdens of someone who refuses to take action or help themselves in anyway.

Struggling At School & Finally Getting A Diagnosis

The person who made the assessment said, "Has anyone talked to you about having a diagnosis?" We said "No, does he need one? And what for?"

My Story: Getting Stuck & Not Fitting In

My world was the computer, and if you took me away from what I knew, I was really sad and really depressed.

The After School Schedule That Helped Me Decompress

After I struggled to get homework done, my parents created this after-school schedule through trial and error that worked really well for me. Here it is.

Black Swans & Confirmation Bias

Of course, the ultimate goal is to solve the problem and get results, but chances are you won't be able to design an effective solution until after you discover and diagnose those hidden black swans that may lie at the root of the problem.

Give, Not Get

"How can I get?" implies that we need to exert force and control on someone or something in order to bend it/them to our will. The natural answer to "How can I get?" is to use some sort of force, manipulation or coercion in order to achieve the end result.

How I Finally Found Relief From My Cataclysmic Panic Attacks

This is the story of how I had cataclysmic level panic attacks and my realization of how to stop them. When I say cataclysmic level, I mean I was curled up in a fetal ball on the floor screaming "I don't want to die" while meanwhile it was a bright, sunny day with zero threat.

I Was A Picky Eater Until Age 25. Here's What Changed.

I was one of the pickiest eaters you can imagine. Everything had to be a certain way. EVERYTHING. I had to have a specific brand of bread. I had to have a certain type of jelly. And if you used the same knife to cut my sandwich that touched anything green, it was game over.

My Picky Eater

He wasn’t willing to try pizza or pasta until he was 9, and has never tried red meat, fish, or most vegetables. He would have a meltdown if we cooked anything involving fish or olives because he claimed they “smelled up the house and caused him pain”.

Failure: The Unseen Benefits

Some of my failures have so monumentally, unfathomably stupid that they are still impacting my life today, but you know what? If I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing, and I’ll tell you why.

My Asperger's + Early Emotional Trauma = Need To Control

Growing up, I was what many would have considered “a parent’s worst nightmare.” I was defiant and headstrong in the most extreme way imaginable.

I'm Done Grieving What's Not, Now Let's See What Is

I remember talking to the ABA lady, and she said, "Well, we're really about fixing the things that are wrong." I asked, what can we do to really help him to harness the things that are special that he has that nobody else has because he has Autism? She just had no answer for me.